You are a giver; you give of yourself without limits. You are quick to offer help whenever anyone is in need. You often put others before yourself and self-care is the first thing to be eliminated when you have other duties. You are always last on your priority list. You desire love, companionship, and loyalty. However, you continue to encounter toxic relationships with people who take more than they give. And because of this you are left feeling depleted and stressed. The truth is, you deeply care for others but sadly find yourself heartbroken and lonely due to the failed relationships of your past.
You desire genuine relationships with people who care and appreciate you. You are fed up with people taking advantage of you and mistaking your kindness as a weakness. You are not weak, you are strong, compassionate, and trustworthy. You just want the same faithful loyalty you give to others to be reciprocated back to you. You want to be free of the anxiety, fear and worry you feel towards your relationships. You want to be able to relax, enjoy genuine friendships, deep intimate relationships, and transparent healthy communication.
Being a people pleaser is exhausting. It’s stressful putting all your energy and attention on trying to satisfy and appease everyone else. Not only are you left feeling depleted but the pain and rejection you experience in relationships can leave you feeling resentment. The more you learn about your habits and subconscious behaviors that attract toxic relationships, the more you can become aware of the necessary boundaries to implement when eliminating narcissistic connections. The following are reasons people pleasers easily attract narcissists.
#1 People pleasers worry what other people think, which is great for narcissists.
People pleasers are contently worried about what other people think, which is great for narcissists. Having someone consistently appeasing their needs and focused on what they think and how they feel is a boost of their ego. People pleasing is a learned behavior that often starts during childhood when a child discovers that her mental and physical wellbeing is dependent on keeping others happy. The people pleasing personality is often related to growing up with abusive or alcoholic parents. When the people pleaser becomes an adult, they subconsciously find themselves seeking people with extreme needs in relationships. They work tirelessly to keep their partners happy even when they themselves are miserable.
#2 People pleasers hate when others are mad at them.
People pleasers also hate when others are mad at them. A narcissist can do something upsetting towards a people pleaser and then blame and get mad at the people pleaser causing her to rarely find fought with the narcissist. People pleasers have a habit of saying, yes when someone ask something of them even when they really want to say no. This often happens because you fear the rejection of the other person. The narcissist creates more and more demands on the people pleaser, by blaming her for his problems. This causes the people pleaser to work even harder for approval and validation, trying to please a selfish person who feels entitled. As a people pleaser you never receive the appreciation you strive for. The truth is, it’s impossible to please a narcissist, he is constantly increasing his unreachable demands.
#3 Narcissists love attention & people pleasers thrive on giving time & attention
Narcissists love attention and people pleasers thrive on giving their time, attention, and energy just to please another person. In the beginning of a relationship a narcissist can be very controlling and overbearing. Often demanding most of their partner’s time and attention. While this behavior may seem extreme and toxic, people pleasers find it flattering and often view the controlling behavior as a form of safety and relationship security. The controlling patterns are intoxicating to the people pleaser and makes her feel even more needed.
#4 Narcissists are self-centered & people pleasers only focuses on the other person and how to please them.
Narcissist only sees a relationship for his own needs and how it benefits him, while a people pleaser only focuses on the other person and how to please them. These two personalities seem to work well during the beginning stage of a relationship but often gets very toxic due to the unhealthy behavior patterns. The combination of extreme selfishness and extreme lack of self-esteem creates a strong magnetic connection. The two are attracted because one gives to the other. The self-centered person and the person who needs to be needed are both fulfilling their desires in the relationship.
People pleasers have no idea what they really want in life. They have no clue about their needs, desires or what healthy boundaries look like. They consume themselves with thoughts of the actions of others, contemplate why it’s difficult to enjoy a relationship and worry about how to appease another person. It’s a constant cycle that will lead a person from one toxic relationship to another one. It’s important to understand that it’s not your responsibility to manage the emotions of others.
It's easy to get so caught up focusing on the red flags and warnings signs of a toxic relationship while completely being distracted from your own needs. Your healing must be top priority whether you’re struggling as a people pleaser or narcissist. As you stop looking at everyone else outside of yourself and start looking within, you’ll discover your own needs. Maybe you’re struggling with low self-esteem, anxieties, fears, loneliness or rejection and inadequacy. By acknowledging your struggles, paying attention to your needs, and creating a daily self-care routine you can begin the process of healing. Instead of saying yes whenever someone asked you to do something, take some time to stop and reflect on whether that’s something you want to do and practice saying no when you mean it. This may feel uncomfortable at first but the more you do it the easier it gets. It’s great to be aware of red flags and warning signs of toxic relationships. However, if you never work on yourself you will struggle with a lack of self-worth and insecurity that will hinder the self-trust and good judgement of character. This is vital because these personal development skills are needed for your emotional protection when starting new relationships.
You are responsible for your own emotions and the happiness of another person has nothing to do with you. Detach yourself and embrace a new habit of self-love and self-care. Your healing process is not a quick fix overnight resolution. Healing requires a daily self-care commitment to unlearning people pleasing patterns and developing new self-worth reinforcements that creates new neural pathways that rewire your brain and severe you better. To start your healing journey, join my free Toxic Love Detox Challenge at www.healtoxiclove.com
Rainie Howard is a relationship expert reaching millions online as an award-winning CEO and Podcast host of The Rainie Howard Show. For the past six years, Rainie has sold more than 120,000+ copies of eight books as a self-published author. Rainie also hold a master’s in business management and leadership.
Editor's Note: If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.
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